[Mello will let Near have the last word this time; what's important is that he didn't try to insist on the clinic.
He knew when he gave his answer that it wouldn't satisfy Near, knows it isn't the whole story, and has since he turned himself away from that train of thought the other day. He's still reluctant to delve into it too deeply.
Part of why he bought the piano is for the intimacy of knowing he's the only one allowed to listen to Near playing, the vaguely illicit thrill of seeing a side of him no one else has ever seen. Part of it is that playing relaxes Near, and Mello reaps the benefits of that.
Neither of those is the whole reason.
What's wrong with wanting to plan something as hard to execute perfectly as this was, and to be pleased at pulling it off so damn well? Near's expression when he pulled the blindfold off and saw the piano for the first time made it worth all the trouble. No one else has succeeded at stunning him into speechlessness, either.
Mello knows the deeper reason, whatever it is, unexamined even to himself, is what Near's after. He's not sure he has an answer for him. Not one he can give. If he admitted the gift was partly expression of an affection he hadn't even known he was capable of feeling, Near would be both skeptical and horrified. Mello's far from immune to uneasiness about the implications himself.
He has to tread carefully.]
I wanted to. I wanted to do something for you that no one else could.
[It's imperfectly phrased, but at least it isn't as damning as some of the things he could have said.]
no subject
He knew when he gave his answer that it wouldn't satisfy Near, knows it isn't the whole story, and has since he turned himself away from that train of thought the other day. He's still reluctant to delve into it too deeply.
Part of why he bought the piano is for the intimacy of knowing he's the only one allowed to listen to Near playing, the vaguely illicit thrill of seeing a side of him no one else has ever seen. Part of it is that playing relaxes Near, and Mello reaps the benefits of that.
Neither of those is the whole reason.
What's wrong with wanting to plan something as hard to execute perfectly as this was, and to be pleased at pulling it off so damn well? Near's expression when he pulled the blindfold off and saw the piano for the first time made it worth all the trouble. No one else has succeeded at stunning him into speechlessness, either.
Mello knows the deeper reason, whatever it is, unexamined even to himself, is what Near's after. He's not sure he has an answer for him. Not one he can give. If he admitted the gift was partly expression of an affection he hadn't even known he was capable of feeling, Near would be both skeptical and horrified. Mello's far from immune to uneasiness about the implications himself.
He has to tread carefully.]
I wanted to. I wanted to do something for you that no one else could.
[It's imperfectly phrased, but at least it isn't as damning as some of the things he could have said.]